Beebe Friends 1967-2007

Scenario A: Jack pulls into drive-way with rifle in gun rack.

1967 – Local cop comes over, takes a look at Jack’s rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle to show Jack.  They both fire several rounds at a coyote in the distance.  Neighbor fires several rounds from his drive-way.

2007 – Neighbor notices gun and calls FBI.  Bridges goes into lockdown, all exits sealed.  Sheriff’s deputies use bullhorn to warn Jack to lie on ground.  Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized residents and employees.  Mike Aguirre files lawsuit against Bridges to recover costs.

Scenario B: John slugs Mark in the face over Charger / Raider rivalry and fight breaks out.

1967 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins fight. John and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.  Raiders beat Chargers.

2007 – Police and Country Sherriff called, SWAT team arrives, arrests John and Mark.  Both charged with assault, both expelled from community even though John started it.  Both attend aggression management classes and get in fight over parking spot.  Chargers beat Raiders.

Scenario C: Jeff’s kid won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 – Jeff’s kid sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal.

Sits still in class.

2007 – Jeff’s kid given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeff’s kid has a disability.

Scenario D: Bill’s son Jason breaks a window in his father’s car and Bill gives him a whipping. 

1967 – Bill’s son Jason is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.  Neighbor agrees with Bill.

2007 – Neighbor calls police.  Bill is arrested for child abuse. Jason removed to foster care and joins a gang. Jason’s sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and Bill goes to prison. Bill’s wife has affair with psychologist.

Scenario E: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to party.

1967 – Mark shares headache medicine with guests.  Nobody gets headache.

2007 – Gate guard sees suspicious activity, calls Sheriff.  Mark arrested on suspicion of illegal possession violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.  Guard suspended as suspected accomplice and sues Bridges over unlawful termination.

Scenario F: Office secretary turns up pregnant.

1967 – 5 Businessmen leave town on urgent matters. Secretary moves to LA and has baby at aunt’s house where baby is raised by the aunt, who now becomes the mother.  Secretary returns to job one year later.

2007 – Human Resource Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent’s consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.   Intervention forces 5 businessmen to Tucson for month-long counseling at camp for suspected sex offenders.  They meet hookers at camp, stay for two weeks and exchange phone numbers.

Scenario G: One of grass mowing crew has a son named Pedro who fails high school English.

1967: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college, excels at English and now owns large landscape company.

2007: Pedro’s cause is taken up by state Democratic Party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system, Pedro’s English teacher and the Bridges. English banned from core curriculum. Menus at Bridges now printed in English, Spanish, Farsi and Hindu. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can’t speak English.

Scenario H:  Frank’s son Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1967 – Ants die.

2007 – BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called.  Frank charged with domestic terrorism. FBI investigates both parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Frank goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Johnny is given counseling on animal rights by gay teacher and is molested.   Spends adult life in San Francisco as waiter, but still loves to blow things up.

Scenario I:  Ed’s son Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.  He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 

1967 – In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 – Principal calls 911.  Ambulance arrives too late as Air Medic’s new helicopter has already flown Johnny to intensive care unit at Scripps.  Two ER Drs. confer and agree to place Johnny in intensive care for observation.  Both parents are called at work and speed to hospital. Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.

She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny gets staph infection in hospital and dies.  Scripps is sued by Le Rouche in massive class action.

God Bless America